i am a counsellor and what i can say about this is that it would likley be helpful to go back to the places in your past and do the healing work around your childhood. if you heal the wounds, you wont be needing to resolve them anymore and healthier relatinships will come. our psyche tends to want to resolve what is left unresolved, hence dating people who are like your caregivers were when you were growing up - its an attempt for you psyche to heal that old stuff. hope that helps.

You are asking yourself all the right questions it seems to me, and I think the most important thing is to always have support, which it sounds like you are already so receptive to. At one point in my life, I found it actually easier and more comfortable and even more appealing to be involved in relationships that hurt. Really, really hurt. But it was always a reflection of my relationship with myself first of all, always built upon the beliefs and experiences I'd gone through with family and others growing up that determined what was "normal", for me, and what I saw as possible, and not possible, for someone "like me." But in my early 20s, I met a man, who later become my husband whom I was with for over ten years, and I just went with how awkward and strange it truly felt to be with someone who was so loving, who didn't think sex and violence were naturally intertwined, and really, I just did the scariest thing I had ever done at the time: I let myself be loved in a whole new way. Can you let yourself believe something else is possible for yourself? The past does not get to veto your future anymore than the future gets to erase the past, but each is sacred, and filled with blessings and lessons and gifts. There was a time in my early young adulthood where I quite liked some interplay of sex and violence and being invisible and insignificant to a partner, but give yourself a chance to have new experiences that are more based on emotional safety and joy and love and watch what happens. Watch what will bloom within you. At this point in my life, it is a turn off to think of being with a man who doesn't cherish himself and me because all that is worth anything in a relationship stems from this. At least to me.
p.s. lots of good books out there too to help with these goals. I love John Welwood, David Schnarch, John Gottman, to name just a few. Best Wishes to you!!!